Ashley at My Angel Lives came up with this awesome challenge to talk about our angels this month. The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Month. Her challenge is set up to have one prompt per day for the month. However, I am going to do mine a little different. I will post a week's worth at a time. This post will contain Days 1 - 4 of the challenge.
Day 1: My Angel's Name is...
I have 3 angels: Alexis Marie, Dakota Lee, and Ashleigh Rose. Alexis and Dakota were early miscarriages. Most people do not know the sex of the baby that early. I was no exception. I could have named them any gender neutral name, but that's not the route I wanted to go. I felt that we should go with our gut and give our angels a name for the sex we believed them to be. When my boyfriend (now husband) and I were early into our relationship, we discussed names we would give our future children. Alexis Marie was the one girl name we decided on. When I lost my first pregnancy, and baby, to miscarriage at 6 weeks, we felt it was a girl. Therefore, we named the baby the girl name we had chosen - Alexis Marie. When I had my second loss (third pregnancy), it also occurred early at 6 weeks. We felt this baby was a boy so we named him, Dakota Lee. Dakota was my favorite boy name at the time. We had given our rainbow baby the middle name Leighanne so we gave this baby the middle name Lee.
My third loss was a little different than my other two. Immediately during my next cycle after my second miscarriage, I got pregnant again - with twins. At 12/13 weeks, I lost one of the twins. The surviving twin was a girl, so we believed that it was a set of twin girls (there is a reason we do not know the sex of this baby and it will be discussed in Day 2). We named her Ashleigh Rose. Ashleigh was a name I liked and since we kept a C first name theme for our living children, I decided to continue the A first name for our girl angels. Rose was for one of my favorite flowers - the pink rose.
Day 2: My Angel Earned Their Wings On...
My first loss happened on March 20, 1997. I lost the baby at home alone and never sought medical attentions. Two years later, I chose that date as our wedding date so that our first baby would always be with us.
My second loss happened on December 8, 2001. Again I went through the miscarriage at home.
My third miscarriage occurred on March 8, 2002 (although the baby probably passed away before that date). This was ruled as a miscarriage/vanishing twin syndrome. I experienced the bleeding and rupturing of membranes. The miscarried twin had been absorbed back into my body, the placenta, or my daughter (as many lost twins in VTS are). Therefore, we do not know the sex of the lost baby. However, I am leaning very much towards them being identical, so we believe girl.
Day 3: My Angel's Life Taught Me...
I guess my angels didn't technically have a life outside of the womb. However, losing my angels has taught me that I am a strong woman. A lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Losing my angels has taught me that every child is a blessing. Losing my angels has taught me not to take life for granted.
Day 4: Grieving my Angel has been...
My grief journey has been a long one. I lost my first angel almost 19 years ago. The pain is still just as real today as it was then. I wonder how my angels would look, how they would be. I especially still take losing Ashleigh hard. I look at my daughter (her twin) and wonder how alike they would be. Whenever someone I know suffers a loss, they ask me how long it takes until the emotional pain is gone. I would love to be able to give them a timeline for grief. But I can't. I still feel immense emotional pain when I think about my angels.
** Part 2, Days 5 - 11, will be up on 10/11
** Part 3, Days 12 - 18, will be up on 10/18
** Part 4, Days 19 - 25, will be up on 10/25
** Part 5, Days 26 - 31, will be up on 10/31