Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Reverting Back to Old Ways

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For the first time in a long while, I looked at myself in the mirror after my shower. I was appalled  I literally had moments of hating myself, hating what I saw. This was just 10 days ago. I went through a  few days of depression. Then this past Friday, I decided that the image I saw wasn't going to stay around any longer. To be honest, I hadn't been weighed since February of 2010 when I checked out the hospital after giving birth to my seventh child. I knew I had gained weight because of my clothes. I took the plunge Friday night and bought a scale. I was partially terrified to stand on the scale and read the numbers. To be honest, in my guesstimate, I was only 18 pounds off. However, I hated the number I saw. Beginning Saturday morning, I began watching what I ate and cut out all sodas. Four days later, I am 7 pounds lighter. And I have still eaten, even splurging on Sunday and getting pizza for dinner. Since Friday, I have only drank water, snacked on rice cakes and eaten smaller portions.

Now, here's what truly scares me - the chance of reverting back to old ways. You know the saying, "An addict is never truly cured."? Well, when I was a teenager, between the ages of 13 - 19, I was anorexic, even to the point of being severe anorexic (weighed MAYBE 90 lbs the day I graduated). And being anorexic is like being an addict: I was addicted to being skinny. When I became pregnant with my now 10-year-old, I weighed 110 lbs. I have gained A LOT of weight since then. Do I want to be that thin again? No. Do I want to be at a healthy weight? Absolutely. But, I'm scared that once I stall out in losing weight, that ugly monkey on my back will be back. That I'll suddenly resort back to starving myself in order to drop weight. I don't want to. I want to do this the right way, the healthy way. I could probably have already lost even more weight if I had already began my treadmill workout, but I'm starting this diet lifestyle change slowly as to not overwhelm myself.

But, I'd be a liar if I said that it didn't scare me that I could revert back to starving myself. Or exercising out of control if I did eat. Honestly, I'd exercise for five hours over a piece of lettuce back then. I won't even begin to discuss the amount of diet pills I took back then either.  I don't want want to be that way again. So, not only am I battling to make the weight disappear, I'm battling myself to keep it a healthy battle.

Linking up to Pour Your Heart Out on Things I Can't Say.

3 comments:

Tomekha said...

This is the second post abt anorexia I've read in the past fifteen minutes. I know the challengesof that disorder personally but I trust you will be strong my dear.

Robbie K said...

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. While I've never had anorexia I do know how scary it is to think that you might return to negative patterns of behavior. I wish you the best and it sounds like you are off to a great start cutting out sodas and eating in moderation.

Shell said...

Make sure you are closely monitoring yourself. xo