Thursday, July 19, 2012

♥ Heartache ♥

On March 20, 1997 I was a scared 18 year old. I was 18, pregnant, unmarried. So, yes, utterly scared. I was still with the father (and actually, still am). On March 20, 1997 my life changed forever. I lost that sweet, precious baby I was carrying. I was 7 weeks pregnant one minute and not pregnant the next. It was heartbreaking. And it ranked up there in my top 10 worst moments of my life. I sank into a depression. I didn't want to be near anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I literally had to coax myself into getting out the bed and doing what needed to be done day to day. In reality, all I wanted was my baby. I wanted to hear its heartbeat. I wanted to see it on ultrasound. I wanted to feel it kick. I wanted to give birth. I wanted to see its beautiful face. But, I would never have any of those moments; at least not with that baby. I cried on a moment's notice for weeks. Seeing other babies made me cry. I lived in a fog for a long while. I finally started to come out of my depression. I wanted to name my baby. I wanted it to have a name other than "Baby {Our Last Name}" or "Baby S". We didn't have any idea what the gender of our baby was. We could have just given our baby a gender-neutral name, but none really stuck with us. So, after talking for awhile, we decided to assume our baby was a girl (it's what my husband wanted) so he named our baby "Alexis Marie". If this name is accurate, we don't know, and we won't know until we are reunited in Heaven but it helps us through the grief. I went on to get pregnant again 5 months after my miscarriage. That pregnancy resulted in my oldest, living daughter.

Several years went by and I got pregnant again in November 2001. By this time, we were married and raising our daughter. I lost this pregnancy at 6 weeks. Again, I felt hurt and pain. I wanted this baby just as much as I had wanted my others. I cried, but I used my daughter as my reason to keep on going. That was when I sought online support to help me through the process. I came to name my angel, Dakota Lee, as I felt it was a boy. Now, here's where my story gets tricky. Ovulation and cycles are completely off after a miscarriage. So, when I immediately got pregnant again, dates and calculations were off. Based on using the date of my miscarriage, my due date for the next pregnancy was one date and then it was moved because of ultrasounds.

This pregnancy was seemingly going good. I had an ultrasound, saw a baby and relaxed. But, at 12 weeks, my life was again turned upside down. I began heavy bleeding and was admitted into the hospital. My water broke and I was told to prepare for the worst. The doctor came in and there on the ultrasound monitor was my baby! Doing somersaults! Now, the explanation of what happened to cause me to bleed and for my water to break: My baby had a twin that did not make it. This twin had been hiding during my ultrasound. Another loss, but I still had a baby to nurture. My daughter was born 3 days after her original due date, 10 days after her modified due date. We named her twin Ashleigh Rose.

Now, why am I blogging this? Not because I want something from anyone. I grieve every day on my own. I want to spread awareness. There are women out there who have suffered a loss, and if it's an early one, are told to move on because it wasn't a baby. Wasn't a baby? Then what was it? To me, all 3 of my losses were babies. My babies. Babies I would give anything, short of my living kids' lives, to hold. Please do not tell me to move on and forget the memory of my BABIES. And please don't mock my heartache. Until you have walked in those shoes, you don't know what the heartache feels like.

Yes, I have written 2 posts in the last few days about pregnancy and infant loss. But, lately a lot has happened that has made me feel the need to explain this over (and seemingly over).

1 comment:

Shell said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. *hugs*