Monday, July 4, 2011

Music Monday: Song That Makes Me Sad

This is the song that always makes me cry. It reminds me of my Nanny...

Twenty - one years ago today, my Nanny died. It forever changed the way I viewed the 4th of July. A day of celebrating and family fun was now a day of sadness and grief. Every year, I keep to myself. I pretend the day doesn't exist. To me, it's just a day that I move through never allowing myself to feel  anything. Now I know she wouldn't like that I do this. I know that if she were alive and saw me grieving for someone else in this manner, I'd get a good earful. She would never allow me to grieve in this way. But, fact of the matter is I was taught by my mother to hide my emotions. To never let anyone see me grieve. And so, I never properly grieved all those years ago. And it affects the way I grieve now. I am still trying to grieve her death. I'm scared to let go. Scared that if I do, then she's lost to me forever.

I usually write a letter to her each year. But, this year her memory has been with me way too much. You see, when I get really upset. Or depressed. Or confused. She becomes the big focus of my thoughts. I like to think its because I still need her advice and guidance. Well, I know I still need her advice. There's so much going on right now that I know I would value her opinion on. but, it is what it is. I am left with envisioning what she would say.

With all that is going on right now, I do need her. Desperately. And it saddens me that she isn't here. That she isn't here to hug me and reassure me. That she isn't here to see all that is happening, good and bad, with me and her family...

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